...into the woods freaked me out.

So I've had three encounters with Into the Woods. The first I hardly remembered until today, which was the full version. The full version has two REALLY REALLY long acts, and I saw it when I was a little kid with an atomically correct wolf. Little red gets rape, as does jack, the stepsisters get their feet chopped up to fit into some shoe, and that's just the first act. The second act like everyone dies, and to a little kid this is pretty disturbing. What's worse was I saw it when I was little with a group called "Broadway Training Center" and all this was done with kids. I was a mature little kid, and I got that red was singing about rape. Not even on broadway do they use a kid in this play.

The full version I saw today was with a performing arts high school and it was really good, if not disturbing, though they cut the wolf dick. not literally.

But so then I worked the jr. version, which only has the first act. So when I walked into my friend's play, I totally thought it was about the first act, which pretty cleverly and slightly creepily incorporates a bunch of fairytale characters into one story line, and nothing else. It was a fairy tale with a happy ending. So naturally, everything falls apart second act, and with everyone dead, we explore what you really want and happy endings and sex and sins and repercussions.

Everything we know was bad and we ignored because it was just a story, or a fairytale, this play made you feel bad about. The wolf and the giant were dead, but they were people too. Whenever we watch something, like a war, we are so happy our character is winning we don't care that he's killing the other side. What if the other side is right? Like, in my math class, on a smaller scale, there's a poster with Micheal Jordan pushing past someone to make a slam dunk with a quote about success. Well clearly the guy Mikey's pushing is failing.

Now my mother collects old fairytales, and I know real old ones. Disney lied. The little mermaid had her tongue cut out, snow white was almost killed like three times and still let the old witch in. Grimm brothers didn't create the myth of the happy ending. We did.

...breakfast and teen sex have very little correlation.

I just read a study that said teenagers are more likely to have sex earlier if they don't have breakfast. According to this, I should be getting some right now. Besides that, by virtue of eating breakfast you will on average loose your virginity at 19 instead of 17.

I feel like it's not that stomachs and sex are related. I think the kids having sex are too busy having it to eat breakfast.

...IMAX domes can suck it for all I care.

So I was hired by the JCC to take a bunch of kids to the Liberty Science Museum (which is a blog post for a different, distant day) and it was very different than the day before, where I was in charge of 8 seven year old boys at Chuck E Cheese. Which turned out to be one of the creepiest experiences of my life, when a robotic rat sang "I think we're alone now" at me. Also, there was a set of triplets which included identical twins (who got really pissed because I figured out how to tell them apart) and a redheaded jew fro'd kid thrown in.

But anyway, this time I have five girls, which was a little better. But so we went into the IMAX dome, and it was very very tall. So one of my little girls starts freaking out because you have to climb to get to your seats, but we get there. So seriously, the screen is gigantic. You have to watch the freaking movie on the ceiling, so the chairs are tipped all the way back and made for someone approximately 6'5", which neither me or my girls were.

Normal IMAX I'm fine with. The first IMAX movie I think I saw was a movie about micheal jordan, although I do not think he needed to be any taller. And I saw speed racer with the campies and I had approximately 3.7 seizures and saw colors I did not know existed. And the only other time I've been in an IMAX dome was in space camp, and I didn't like it much then either.

So the first thing the IMAX dome does is tell you how great it is. According to itself, it's the best thing ever. Better than wonderbread and playboy and chocolate combined. It like lights up the speakers to tell you it has eight very big and very loud sets (mozel tov.) So then it has words like "sophisticated" and "experience" flash across the screen. And then it takes you into the fucking ocean or something, and you think you're either on a magic carpet ride or tripping or both, but either way, you're getting dizzy. So I had to take one of my little girls out before she had a premature heart attack. and they have this policy that once you leave, you can't go back.

So I saved one of my girls, but four of them were still in the ocean, also known as a swirling death trap. So I bought her a ginger ale and assured her, it's fine, you're not going to drown or barf or die or whatever.

Fuck IMAX domes.

...Autumn is cute.

Well. She's one of my bestest friends from camp, and her period key is missing so it's kind of fun to press, when you don't need it. She has an etch a sketch, and let me tear apart her room. I wanted to tell you something about Autumn but she said "Don't say it" and held down the backspace. Subtle. She's doing chem homework, because she's a smarty. I really like her. She's cute. She likes to sing, about her party dress. "Do you like my party dress? This morning I was feeling dressy, mother thinks I'll get it messy..." She randomly starts speaking with accents from countries she's never been to.

When I came over today, I got lost. She lives in Connecticut, and it all looks the same. Once I got here, we had a tea party, but neither of us are particularly fond of tea, so it was pretend tea. The cookies were plastic and made off, get this "Magic, Beauty, Royalty, Sweetness, and happily ever after. They also contain sugar, spice, everything nice Sweetness sprinkles, a drop of magic, and princess beauty." Autumn thinks they're redundant. I think they're full of shit, and actually have to kill princesses in order to harvest the ingredients for their plastic cookies.

Autumn likes Jason Mraz. She got really excited when in his music video he went to Prague, because we went to Prague. In Prague, we didn't do much of anything. We went to a shiny store, located Salvador Dali, and slept among the pigeons and burning pizza. In fact, our best friend Carmen burnt her cleavage with the pizza. She was pretty glad I was over prepared and had burn ointment. Autumn says it's because I was a walking pharmaceutical facility.

But I digress. Autumn's pretty. Like seriously. Autumn says she'll get creeped out by all my secret followers, but everyone should know that she's kind of gorgeous, if not a little bit awkward. She laughed that. I hope she thinks I'm kidding. "Are you?" "No."

I like Autumn's hairstyle. Not really, because she's being silly, but she has pretty dark hair that curly and she just hit me with.

She's gonna be a super graphic designer by day, and Broadway actress by night. I'm excited.

She also thought that the word "Poor" was spelled with three zeros. and got stupider.

So Autumn is cute.

...I'm emotionally disturbed by the fact one of my friends cut his hair.

So I should probably write a little history on him (should I rename him?) He goes to Jew camp. I met him in Tzofim, so I guess we were...14. We had made friends with Miriam, who he dated first session, but he broke up with her (I kid you not) because he wanted to spend more time with his guitar. I mean don't get me wrong, this kids a guitar genius, but really? So he used to wear a red bandanna in his hair. Everyday.

As we got older, his hair got longer. He's such an oxymoron. He had long hair, went to LaGuirdia (audition for guitar and art, got in for art, even though he can't draw), lived in the city, went to hippie Jew arts camp, and is our one republican. Like doesn't believe in global warming. He has hair down to his elbows and is mad skinny, so he looks like a girl from the back.

Also, he looks real sketchy. Like in Israel all the time he would get pulled to the side for security checks. And when we did Machon (CIT) interviews, they pulled him aside to tell him that this wasn't all fun and games. He's not any better or worse behaved then the rest of us (on second thought, probably better).

But now his hair is normal looking. and I feel like his long hair was a part of what made him different. Like me, I have long hair because I like that it's different. No matter how many people cut all their hair off or what's in or out of style, I have my long hair. But now he chopped off a good chunk of my adolecences.

It's silly, and selfish, but I want his long hair back.

...age three is the best age to live in Disneyland

My first ever memory is the plane ride to California when I was two. We lived there until I went to kindergarden when I was five. I remember the three houses we stayed in, and my two pre-schools (I got moved from the first one for kind of being a bully. That’ll probably be a later “why”) and my mother driving and getting engaged when I was three and almost getting eaten by an ostrich on the ostrich farm down the street. Arguably, the best thing about living in California was living 15 minutes away from Disneyland. When you went to the park when you were little, I went to toontown. We would get year passes, and my driver’s permit reminds me of them. I’m a little bit bigger now. Hey, don’t laugh at me!

Here’s why it’s awesome to be a regular at Disneyland: (prepare yourself, I’m making a list)

1. the characters: I don't mean the crazy people around although believe me tourists are some of the funniest people in the world (this is also true of New York City. I don't understand how people can just stop and look straight up in the middle of a sidewalk.) But seriously, on rainy days Mickey and I would chill and watch TV. Aladdin knew me by name, and would greet me which made most of the other kids jealous. Susie mouse had a thing for my Dad (and to this day we don't know if it was a guy or girl playing mousie dear). And the first Snow White who went of to Disney Tokyo took a picture of me. So yeah. I was tight with princesses as a little kid.

2. You get to be right a lot: especially as a three year old, it's pretty fun when a family is fighting over getting around the park, and you walk over and point someting out, and they don't believe, and you see them in the same place arguing about an hour later. Also there was some girl who was waiting on line and stuck her head through the bars of the divider even though I said it was a bad idea. I got a pretty good I-told-you-so when the fire department was trying to get her face out.

3. It totally toughens you up: like you can't have a fear of crowds. And nothing scares you after you've been on the snow white and pinochio and jungle safari rides as a two year old a couple times. Also, I learned not to play on the ropes that create the lines because I was swinging on one and flipped over, so I'd like to say I'm a little more careful with those now. And you get lost once and a while and it's okay. You don't panic anymore. You can't be scared of any strangers or anything because everyone in the freaking park you live in you don't know. I don't fear creepers because you'd think disney was crawling with them, but I never once felt endangered. I also almost got my teeth knocked out on the roger rabbit ride.

4. You get extensive disney knowledge: I have an audition for Beauty and the Beast friday and I know pretty much every word because the show went up in Disneyland before broadway. I can sing the small world song on a loop just to torture someone. And I know every character ever, and like every movie, and can own you in any disney trivia.


So moral of the story, if you are ages 3-5 please move to Disneyland. Also, I suggest you stop reading this blog.