...I'm trying to save my wedding.

So I went to my second cousin's (who is more like a first cousin because he's the only person who is older than me in our generation in my family) wedding. I mean, he and his wife have been together for years, so she's pretty much family too. They are the nicest people in the world, so it was pretty much the perfect marriage.

And at the wedding the best man and the maid of honor gave toasts. So I start thinking to myself about how I'm going to have about 20 brides maids and like two maids of honor and it's going to be the shit.

Except I remembered, oh all my friends suck. Save for two, Audrey and Carmen, they all really suck. Like they never return my calls, or texts or anything, and I never know what the hell is going on with them. I love them when they are there. And I love them when they're not too, they're just...

selfish. They only talk to me (and Carmen) when they need us. They don't care if our lives are turning to shit and that our problems are probably about twenty times worse than theirs. They just want us to listen, and not to do anything about it. So while I'm trying to deal with my life, they want to hear nothing of it except how I pity them for doing something dumb/doing the same hypocritical thing over and over/how they have junior year and it's so hard.

Seriously, if I was getting married currently, they'd all be like "sorry but if I go to your wedding and am there for you my grades will suffer or I won't get laid." or something.

This shit, this selfish, lonely, stupid shit, is what drives people toward depression I swear to God.

So my friends better wise up, or there's going to be no wedding.

...reverse ruined my life.

I skipped school today to go take my road test. After some driving around construction I got there. The girl on line in front of me failed to signal and almost crashed into another car and passed.

I was parked at the sign on the right side of the road at about 20 feet from a stop light. The woman told me to "turn left at the light whenever you're ready." I checked my mirrors and backed up as to not fly across the lanes because the light it read.

So she says "Stop the car, that was an automatic fail."

I don't think she knew that with that sentence, she destroyed my life.

My dad's in the hospital, my mom can't drive. I've never been grounded...as punishment. My next road test is fucking June 1st. I don't leave the house for about two weeks.

I have too much to do for this. Now I can't go see my campies. It eliminated all freedom. I have to now catch rides to rehearsal with the grandma who hates me, further indebting me to her so she can use it against me.

I cry only once a year. This year it came early.

what a tone for the week.

...my grade sucks.

Once upon a time there was this honor roll girl I know who pretty much failed her AP chem midterm. And by pretty much, she means did. Anyway, when her mid-quarter interm report came, she was getting a B, so she was like, okay fine.

And then her report card came with a D+. She kind of figured it was not true (there have been mistakes on her report card before) mostly because it's pretty impossible to slip down two letter grades while showing up to class and doing all your work. Plus he would have told me or something.

So she goes into class and goes to her teacher "What's up with the D?" and he's like
"What D?" So we look at my grade, and he's like "Oh yeah, that's because you failed the midterm, you would have gotten a B- or something." So I asked him why the interm report had a B and he said it was because it was factored in. SO I made him pinkie promise he'd tell me if I was getting below a B.

In other news, when I asked my AP Music Theory teacher who doesn't really like me why I got a C+, he said "I don't know, there weren't a lot of grades."

so teachers suck.

the end.

...I probably won't get to this so much.

So basically junior year is my hitman. like in the next two and a half weeks I have: a screening of my little sister's movie at tribecca, work, ushering my mom's show, a major final composition for AP music theory due, an SAT class, my road test, a columbia visit, a benefit concert, the SAT, 10 rehearsals (not including two I'll miss), hell week, a show, the Music Theory AP (which is on my 17th birthday), and the Chem AP.

FML.

So there is a legitimate list of future topics in my phone (along with my to do list and subway directions to tribecca and columbia), so future posts will be everything on why I think krespe kreme is so fucking good to how the Jew Crew is malignant. Tonight might be a double post.

so sorry if I'm not here all the time. I happen to be everywhere else.

...I didn't change the background on my phone.

I have a friend. Actually, that's a lie. I don't have that friend anymore. See how complicated he's already being? He's like that. Carmen and I became best friends with him in Olim. Like best friends. Wallowing in how much our lives sucked but surviving it together best friends. Med call buddies.

That year, mostly, we called each other all the time. Carmen and I three way assaulted him, pretty much. Car and I are so similar that we end up saying the same things.

One day I went to visit him and we roamed around central park. There was this little path we walked down that no one else was on, and the light hit the path just right and took a picture of it. It was my background on my phone.

He had problems. We had problems, but he was worse at dealing with them, I guess.

Damn he's hard to explain.

Occasionally he'd be a dick. I'd call that one Camlemagne (a play off Charlemagne) but then he'd be Cameron again. And we'd love him again.

I can remember the last time we were friends. He hopped a train to me and then we went to Autumn's play. It was amazing, just how comfortable it was. I loved him being my best friend.

then we went to Israel, and Cameron was gone. Camlemagne was the only thing there. He was...worse than I can describe.

Soon after I got home, my phone spazzed and I got a new one, and the only picture I had for the background was a black and white one of the path.

He hates me. He tells me so every time I tried to talk to him. He tells me how awful I am, and it doesn't take a psychologist to get he's projecting. He treats Carmen like crap too.

Yesterday, there was a giant bag of gummy bears on my desk in AP chem. I took a picture of it and accidentally set it as my background picture.I don't know if it was some grand metaphor for finally letting him go.

but I couldn't do it. I changed it back.

I promised I'd never give up on him...

?

...why I'm a misfit and damn proud of it.

So I suppose I’m liked. I mean, we have this thing called the otto awards, where there’s categories like “most likely to go to the Olympics” or “most energetic” and it’s really cool because every year, from people pulling my name out of air, I get nominated. So freshman year I was nominated for “most likely to win an MTV award”. The girl who was also nominated is our weird little “miss popular” (I’ll probably have a post explaining the weird dichotomy of my school) and we’re friendly, we did theater together when we were little and were always up for the same part (she always got them). But the day of the otto awards freshman year, she told me congratulations. She thought I was going to win, but she did. Sophomore year I was nominated for most artistic, which just wasn’t going to happen, and I wouldn’t have deserved it. The cool thing about the otto awards is I always play and sing a song I’ve written. This year I’m up for “most likely to write a bestseller” and I kind of really sort of want to win it.

But anyway, this post is about me loving being a misfit. I went through my “I want to be popular” stage when I was seven. Actually. When I was in second grade I ran with the popular crowd. Instead of like drinking or staying out late, we would curse and watch PG-13 movies. I then moved out of the popular stage, and decided to try everything else. Some people never out grew it, and are still there.

See popularity, which is COMPLETELY different from being well liked, is a game. It's being the best at what everyone else wants. and I suck at that. I've been literally friends with everyone at one time or another, and I still don't have a clique. Mostly I hang out with the uber smart girls, the bands-you-never-heard-off followers (they're sweet, in middle school they used to be the materialistic simple plan heads, but they grew up a bit.) and the Jew Crew. Even the Jew Crew (which is so freaking weird it will probably get its own post), I don't actually belong to. My best friend Anya who I see literally everyday of my life (she goes to temple, camp and school with me) is my in, but I really don't fit in. I'm applying for scholarships while they're playing with light sabers on their iPhones. The Jew Crew is one of many sub popular cliques, and even has it's own dating rotation and weird bad ass ways that I just don't want to be a part of.

And I would never want to be "popular". Popularity is like this hot guy that everyone's obsessed with and wants just because they're supposed to, and I kind of feel like one of the few that can see his pimples and dick ways and isn't all that attracted to him. I'm not popular because I don't want to be. I don't care if they'd let me in. I'd rather hang out with everybody else, because those are actually the cool kids. Trying to be cool automatically makes you not.

...bullies actually do suck.

I have an unusual relationship with bullying. When I was small and went to a pre school where they pretty much let everyone do whatever (which is fine for like teenaged Jew hippies, not exactly for 3 year olds) But so there was this roving gang of five year old bullies, and naturally as I was super girl, decided someone needed to save the day. So that someone was me. So every time they attacked someone, I, a small three year old, would kick all of their asses. Which apparently was quite a sight.

Even when I was little, I was the type that everyone knew. So naturally, being in the "public eye", I was liked, and not so liked. (still kind of rings true) When someone made fun of me, I stood up for myself. For example: One day a girl we'll rename is Gertrude told me my hat looked retarded. So, being raised on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, I drop kicked her.

When I was little, there was this boy that would pull my pigtails and be kind of rude (more on that and my fleeting flirt with popularity next post) and would tell me I was a terrible singer. Mostly I'd out talk him.

But so today someone in my class was humming, and my teacher (who I like but is at least all over the place and at most bi polar) was making fun of the kid he assumed was humming. So tired of him making fun of people, even though it wasn't me, I told my teacher to play nice. He said "What?" and I said "You're a bully." "What?" "Were you a bully in middle school?" He proceeds to tell me that he stood up for kids who were bullied in middle school. So I asked why he was making fun of that kid. He said he wanted to know where the whistling was coming from. I replied I doubted he was concerned for the welfare of the kid who was whistling.

At which point the kid that used to make fun of me goes "I think [insert whatever name you think would suite me here] needs a time out." I told him I think he needed to shut up. Gertrude proceeds to tell my teacher that she had been fat and bullied in elementary school. WHICH WAS A LIE. She made fun of me repeatedly until I drop kicked up, and she was not fat she was (and still is) freakishly tall.

So then the kid that used to make fun of me says something snide about me under his breath. So I asked if he was six (though he might have been smarter back then). My teacher thought I was talking to him, and although I made sure "we cool" I don't want my B to go away.

So bullies better watch out, because I do not like you. And Imma kick your ass.